In words

So close.

2011-12-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

As I countdown to the days left being a student,
I can't help but feel the gush of emotions and adrenaline surging within me.

I look back, 10 years ago I was still in Primary 4.
5 years ago I was in secondary 2.
3 years ago I started college at De Anza.
And 9 days later I will say goodbye to my undergraduate life.

Then life really begins.

But somehow this wasn't close to what I'd aspired to be.
Somehow I diverted away from my goals, I lost focus, I got distracted.
I placed too much importance on redundant stuff,
invested heavily in things that wouldn't last.
Where did all the years disappear to?
How did I lose my chances and allowed precious opportunities to slip right through my fingers?

I recalled myself putting high hopes, great expectations and ambitious dreams.
I wanted to graduate with Honors, I wanted to secure a job before I received my degree.
I wanted to be able to stand with my two feet and not be dependent on my parents after I leave school.
But what I had achieved was none of these. None close to these.

Jessica Tjung: Unemployed, broke, lost, lonely?

Even when I had felt a tinge of accomplishment as I completed two 13.1 mile half marathon races,
I then injured my knee and was thus unable to carry out my passion, incapable of spending time at the gym and allowed temptations to win over me, and gained back these fats.

Argh.
Ultimate negativity, superior sense of failure.
Why can't I do anything right?

Why do everything seem so hard, so far, so impossible to achieve?

As I'm typing here, I realize I can't voice out all these to anybody but here.
I know somehow some would come across this, and I'm sorry for being pessimistic.
I just feel lost. Lost. Really lost.
What should I do next? What must I do to make everything right?

On a side note, I learned not to place high hopes on anything, or anybody.
Because the feeling of disappointment is just too huge for me to bear.
Eventually, no matter how much people try to please you, they will end up disappointing you.
You'd feel hurt, scared, betrayed.
Because if they had never promised anything, it won't hurt this bad.

Sigh.

Just so insignificant.

Talking to the moon

2011-07-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

I realized that whenever I post something on this blog, it will be an emotional one.

Just like the occurrences of Day & Night,
I've got the smiley & the emotional me.
I choose to vent, and pour all my heavy feelings into this space here,
just because I don't want to affect others around me with my negativity,
I don't want to be selfish; Nobody should be responsible for my moodiness but me.

Oh well.

It has been quite sometime that I'd bottled up all the emotions inside my heart.
I've been carrying this bag of rocks ever since April,
and I can't bear to carry it anymore.
So I fell.
I fell hard, I bruised, I bled.
The rocks flew out of the bag, and unknowingly,
others who passed the same road, tripped over them, and bruised too.

But I'm sitting here, as a bystander.
I sat and did nothing.
I watched them fall. I heard them cry. I saw their frantic responses.

Why am I becoming the person I don't ever want to be?

"You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.
So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?"

Who am I?

Why come back for me?

I ain't worth the fight. I ain't worth the pain.
I can't bear to take on another emotional roller coaster like I did previously.
I don't even want to be queuing up for the ride,
so quit asking me to enter the park.

It took so long just to be alright.

Well at least, on a brighter note,
I focused on a set of new goals this summer.
Every summer comes with different adventures.
As everything happens for a reason,
I shall not regret anything that happened this vacation.

One more month before my last semester at IU.
As much as I can't wait to finish up with the six classes left,
I don't want this vacation to end!
I know I will miss so many things here,
little things like waking up at five in the morning, going to gym while still on autopilot, and stoning at the office.
Or rushing back and forth to Pacific Place just to grab one Dorayaki.
I will miss this chapter of my life. No doubt.

Putting aside the negative issues, I still feel that I'm blessed.
I'm so lucky to be where I am now, to be who I am.
To have lovely people surrounding me;
Family members who are always there for me,
best friends back at Singapore whom I still keep in close contact with,
a group of friends at the States whom I see as family,
colleagues who supports me and make me feel welcomed,
boss who doesn't reprimand me but encourages me to do better,
the elliptical machine which stays loyal waiting for me every morning,
and one of the best trainers in the world to be assisting me.

Damn, three months flew by without me realizing it.

As much as I don't want this adventure to end,
I would rather focus on living the moment, than brooding over the uncertainties of what tomorrow might bring.

=)

And if I made you mad today,
Would you still love me tomorrow?

Why would anybody love me?

2011-05-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

love and hate is indeed separated by a very thin line.

2011-04-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Now you wanna play the blame game?

Can't swallow the truth and goes around pointing finger at me?

Don't forget that when you point one finger, four fingers are pointing back at you.

To the "memories" that we shared:

Fuck you.

Here I go again

2011-04-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

So little posts on this blog
It has been so long since I last posted, and it feels really weird typing in this box again.

I haven't been writing anything for the past few years that I feel awkward trying to express myself all over again. I know I used to blog a lot, and blogger has always been faithfully listening to all my complaints and useless rants. So once again, greetings to my old best friend, here I am pouring out my inner thoughts and random words on this website. I don't know if anyone would ever read this, but it doesn't really matter now. All I want is just to write, type, even if nothing makes sense. Because recently nothing in my life really made any sense.

Three emotional posts below, all referring to three different people.
Three boys-- nope, correction: three men who made quite an impact in my life.
Before year 2008, my life had nothing like these before.
No boys, no worries, no tears, no heartaches.

As I'm typing away, I realise I can't even express myself properly now.

Maybe this is just who I am.
Indecisive, insensitive and selfish.

These few months I was stuck in a dilemma caused by my own indecisiveness. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I should fight for. It felt like as though I entered a battle without no goal in mind. I thought I fell in love. I thought I found "the one".
I thought he was the one.

But I was wrong.

Why did you create such a beautiful image in my head, took me away from the harsh reality of life, and then threw me down such a high cliff?
Do you know how much it hurts.
Never once I thought things would end up this way.

I can still vividly remember the very first time we met.
The first time you came over, the phone calls you made,
the moment you held my hand,
and how you brought me out to watch the stars.
The countless times you promised me that you would never hurt me,
the memories that we once shared,
and when I cried to sleep because I'd missed you so much and I was so afraid of losing you.

But what are words when you didn't mean them when you said them?

So insignificant, so worthless.
I sacrificed so much for you.
I could even die for you.
And the least that you could do,
was to tell me that you are afraid you can't live up to our love.
You are afraid that you'd give in to temptations, and you put it so clearly how you would throw away everything that we built together.

I cried that night.
I cried so much. I cried so hard. So hard that I felt nothing afterward.
Nothing could ease that pain that was killing me inside,
because I could never look at you the same way ever again.
Countless times I tried to forgive you, but I just couldn't.
That disappointment that I felt, it numbed me.

Why was I so naive before?

Now that we're walking on our separate paths,
I really wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
It wasn't easy to let you go, but it was harder to fight for our future.
I chose to give up, because I gave up on myself long ago.
I couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong.

I didn't need a thousand reasons why I should be with you.
I needed only one,
but I had none.

I would never forget those times that we shared,
no matter how much they hurt,
I can never deny that you were once a part of me.

Here I am,
on a new chapter of my life.

Well I hope this time, everything could work out beautifully.

Come what may,
I will love you until my dying day.

2011-02-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

Broken

Lost

Shattered

Torn.

Please make me believe that all these happen for a reason.

Because I don't see it yet.

Please enlighten me and give me strength,

show me the light so that I would stop bumping and tripping into those stones ahead of me.

So what now, am I happy?

What are the positives of following my logic and ignoring my heart,

when ultimately I realize I am all alone.

All by myself.

With nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to, nobody.

I have nobody now.

Fingers and nasty words pointed to me.

I want to run, I want to hide, but how can I, when the bullets are coming from every direction?

Everybody thinks they have bigger problems, expectations are set so high for me.

I can never satisfy enough.

Whatever I do is never enough. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anyway.

I don't try enough.

I don't run enough.

I don't study enough.

I don't care enough.

I don't love enough.

Yes, I didn't love enough.

I didn't fight hard enough.

So after all these while I'd pushed you away,

it took me long enough to realize that I am nothing, nothing without you.

All these emptiness and hollowness in me.

How can I pretend to smile when there is a tear in my eye?

How can I move on, when I'm still in love with you.

Fuck.

Is this really the end.

It hurts so bad. So bad.

Memories of us keep flashing by.

Are you happy without me.

Why am I so weak.

I miss you.

The best thing underneath the twinkling stars;

2010-02-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

Hello 2010.

Nothing gets any different this year, except that I've learned some life lessons which were illustrated to me in a hard way.

So, yes, I would like to take a step back and look at the sphere that I'd set foot into.

It's like as though I'm looking through a layer of invisible glass, crossing my arms and standing as a stranger, having a time of my life observing no one else but, me.

Why do people claim that the person who understands yourself best is no one else but yourself.

I don't even think that I'm close to knowing what I really am.

I can't even differentiate what I want from what I need. Or vice versa.

The best part is,

I can't even fight for what I want. I don't even know how to.

Sometimes, you don't realize that you've voluntarily joined the game, until you've proceeded on and on, till it dawned upon you that there is no turning back.

It's indeed a point of no return.

So what shall we do next, when we know ultimately it's a dead end.

Do we give up all that we have, surrender to destiny and wave each other goodbye.

Or do we try to navigate around the area, in hope that there is a way out, and that it is not yet the end?

you can take my hand and embrace me now

minimizing all my fears and I know
that all my doubts will disappear

No, it doesn't work that way.

Not anymore

How come the only way to see how high you get me,

Is to see how far I fall

Let's go somewhere far away;

2009-11-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hehehe I totally forgot the existence of my own blog until this afternoon.

And so I've decided to remove the virtual 'spiderweb' that has been filling up this page by inserting some words of wisdom after such a long time. Lol.

Anywayy..

Life has been great.

Hmm..

Great?

I think so.

Well, of course I'd been through a number of ups and downs but eventually I'm still alive and kicking. It's really true that when people say 'What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.'

I'm thankful for the people who have been with me through all these times.

Grateful for whatever that has been given to me, for I've lived everyday with anticipation and excitement in me, allowing me to overlook the fact that I'm stuck at a small and plain town, with not much except for the vast meters of corn fields available. Haha.

I hope those of you who are reading this, are enjoying your life too, because sometimes the glass is actually half-full instead of half-empty.

And to someone out there, I hope you find your happiness soon.

I hope you live your life to the fullest, as though you'd never met me before.

As bad as I may feel at times, I know this is the best for the two of us, and that we'd be happier in time to come.

Good luck, and I sincerely wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.

For now, I can only cross my fingers, close my eyes and hope.

Pray for the best and that we'd be able to cross obstacles and encounter challenges with a brave front.

I don't want to try to predict about what the future will be, because sometimes when I try to prepare myself for the worst,

it just hurts.

It just hurts too badly to think that I'd be losing someone important to me.

Someone who'd crossed my path and opened up a new chapter in my life,

leading me through confusion and darkness, allowing me to see the roses hidden beneath the thorns that prick.

Now I understand what it means, when you choose to let go of those who matter to you, because you love them too much that you put their happiness before your very own.

When the time comes that we'd be separated for good,

I'd release your hand and wave you goodbye

with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye.

Indiana- Bloomington

2009-08-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Phewww I'm back.

I wonder if anyone still bothers to drop by here.
But it's ok cuz I don't really blog often nowadays. Just can't be bothered to anymore.
Unless,
there's really something stuck inside me that I just can't tell anyone.
The feeling of hving to compress & condense em altogether,
the voice inside me that I've been trying to keep away,
the denial that I've been going through.

But this time, I know there's no going back anymore.
I wish I could come up with reasons good enough to defend and keep this going on.
I wish I could be strong enough to fight through all these obstacles that we're going through.
I wish I could wake up the next day without having to fear that I'd be facing another fight with you.

Why do you have to make it seem so hard.

Everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe.

Goodbye California

2009-07-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, the title of the post says it all;

I'm done with college in California, and I have left Cupertino, the city where I spent most of my days at.

So now I'm blogging away in Indonesia, while at the same time resenting the slow internet connection that I have here.

I need to say this out now:

I MISS CUPERTINO.

Oh no, I miss the United States.

Even though sometimes I wish to be back in my home country to devour all of the wonderful dishes they've got here, I think I find myself suited better for the U.S.

I woke up in a shock this morning because I had a bad dream last night.

Actually it wasn't really a bad dream, but rather, I dreamt of my experiences in the U.S and I realized how much I really miss those days there.

In addition, you're so far away. And in about a month, we will be even further away.

So far so far so far so far so far.

And so miserable. Huu T.T

Just one note before I end this post,

I wish I could've bid all of them goodbye before I set foot in the San Francisco Airport.

Because there are just too many words left unspoken,

too many actions left undone.

This is so terrible I want to fast-forward timeeee :(

Sometimes, I just wanna run away.

2009-06-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

Life sucks.

I wish I could fast forward time and skip all these boring parts.

At times I really think that my eyes will dry up like raisins because

I cry so much nowadays.

Just too much.

Goodbye.

I'll stop pretending that the world gives a damn about me. :)

55 days left

2009-05-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Fifty-five days to whaaat?

Before you start counting to what date it is going to be, let me enlighten you by stating that it is gonna be the 6th July, the day I'm going to depart from Cupertino, California.

Fifty-five days left.

If I sit down and reflect, there are just too many things that I would like to do before I leave this city. The number of restaurants and the type of food that I have yet to taste or would like to eat again; the people I need to catch up with, the lost contacts and the "passer-bys" during the 1.5 years that I have spent here; the activities I would like to do; the packing, the clearing, the reminiscing... Ah.

Winter 2008.
Marina, Sunnyvale, Kum, Stefani, SQ, Audi, Placement tests, Andree, Debby, Pak Hendratna, Citibank, MATH1A, Withdraw, In-n-out, Crazy Buffet, J&J, Jamba Juice, 12AM trips to Lucky, Accused of being a rat by Oumi & Geovanni, Gained 10 kg, Late night calls, Birthday at Raymond's, Getting together at Hamptons, Blacklist paper, Business 10 at Hansen's, Farewell at Airport when Herian left, Kum & Tou getting lost in SF, Thrashing at Marina's, Debby arguing with Marina due to electricty bills, New house, IFGF, Six Flags Vallejo, Thai Cafe, Durian Ice Cream from Marco Polo, 21 at AMC...

Spring 2008.
Glenbrook, Mel Alim helped to fix the sofa, Top Cafe afterwards, IFGF every Sunday, Skager, Ben Choi, Arts2B C, Late night workouts, Kum's delicious sushis, Cleaning up of the apartment every 2 weeks, Dispute in the group, Thrashing session at Glenbrook, Milpitas dinner with D'z etc and got into "trouble", Received complaint from Glenbrook when it was only Kum and I at home singing, Indo...

Fall 2008.
Theresia's birthday party, Mikki, Toopie, late night surprise, Awesome bread pudding, Mi La Cay, Raymond's new car, Great America trip after Ryowa just to take photos, Tutorial Centre, Quickly, Simply Thai, Msn Conversations, Ahai, Shiok, Satura Cake, Highway 9, Christmas holiday wasted due to sleeping disorder, ate breakfast at 7pm at Cheesecake Factory, Denny's, Starbucks, Baking cookies...

Winter 2009.
EWRT1B Pesano, late nights due to Business Law, Applying to Universities, 30 minute walks to Korean Fusion, Took the long trip to Bayleaf when it was faster to take bus 54 actually, Bus trips to Denny's/ Bayleaf/ Korean Fusion/ Valleyfair/ Santanarow/ and caltrain to SF, True Religion, Rock n Republic, Sun Wu Kong, Borobudur...

Spring 2009.
Gym, Chicken breasts, Steamed veges...?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAA

Sometimes I wish I could go up straight to people,
and not be afraid to let them know how much I'd missed them,
how much I'd longed to be with them once again.

Sometimes I wish I could be more daring,
and not hold back from admitting that
I really wish to spend every moment with you.

But each time I try to express myself,
they are just vain efforts to prove that I'd lost so many things.
They are merely signs of impossibility, disappoinments, and regrets.
It makes it even clearer how different things are now. How pathetic.
How sad.
How lonely.

Fifty-five more days.

Will these memories fade when I leave this town?

2009-05-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

Are you okay?

Are you?

& so I shudder upon the image of the new 'you',

No, I don't know you no more.

2009-05-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

I want to be a better person.

It's just the moodswing that I've been having lately.

I become more sensitive, more emotional, and I think too much.

Maybe it's partly because I really have nothing to do and this leads to negativity.

I realized how different I am now compared to last time.

Now, I don't just accept things on their surface value.

I don't just listen and forget words.

Instead, I interpret them. I link them together. I derive a conclusion alone.

I hate it when I think too much.

I hate it when I start thinking negatively.

I hate it when I feel that I have distanced from so many people and that I am desperately and pathetically alone.

I hate it when the future seems so uncertain.

I hate it when my heart starts hurting.

I hate it when I start hurting him.

I hate it so much when my vision starts blurring,

because inevitably tears just can't stop flowing.

They just won't stop.

No matter how many times I chant to myself and constantly repeat that I gotta hold myself back together and stop it. Just stop.

When there's nobody at home, I feel so lonely.

Never have I felt like this before, I am used to being alone.

I am too used to being alone and lonely.

But why do I feel like this now.

I don't wanna be selfish no more.

I don't wanna hurt no more.

Can I just sleep and wake up, thinking that tomorrow will be a better day, and that all these troubles will go away?

It's a total reversal of emotional states

2009-05-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

2009-05-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

I figured out that in order to motivate myself to lose weight, I should display a photo of a sexy slim woman on my desktop wallpaper and not a picture of steaming hot Korean BBQ Pork like what I have now...

Ayeeee

2009-05-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hmm.

Just how complicated human beings can be..

For a moment everything seems peaceful,

so comfortable, so warm, so happy.

And yet it starts coming down,

just like a house made of woods can shake and crumble down to the grounds;

that's what I feel about you,

that's how you appear in my eyes now,

and that's what will remain always.

I've learned quite a lot for the past week.

My eyes are open to how cruel life can be,

why some refuses to deny the truth,

and what does it mean to say that love blinds us from reality and inflicts pain on us instead.

No I am not talking about myself.

I'm doing fine here, and I hope it will always be this way.

I've made my stand, stood by my decision, and I am ready to face whatever is ahead of me,

for I know that I'm not alone anymore.

And I've got someone to share my joys & laughter, pain and sadness with.

Even though the journey hasn't been smooth from the very beginning,

I believe whatever that comes will bring about good yield and effect for us.

I've made mistakes, and felt like I'm the worst loser on earth at times.

Aye.

But so what,

cuz I know I made the right choice.

Why do we realize the value of things only when they're gone?

2009-04-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Time check: 8.31AM

& I am currently seated at a small corner in the Cafetaria cuz class starts at 9.30 later.

Guess what, a few people behind me are so engrossed in the recent hot topic about Swine Flu.

"Have you heard about that?"

"What?"

"Pig flu!!!!"

"SWINE flu!!!"

-__________-"

When my mom first called to warn me about this, I laughed at her and assumed she was joking around with pigs and she told me about that just to make me stop eating pork.

In my mind I was like, "HAHA that swine flu thing isnt gonna scare me~~ I'm going to continue eating pork anyway~~"

But the fortune gates of heaven didn't open its doors.

It was just a matter of hours before everyone starts talking about it, and it then dawned upon me that this is really happening. (what? what is happening????).......

To my horror.. I realized that.........

I HAVE TO STOP EATING PORK.

omg.

My Korean BBQ Pork from Korean Fusion restaurant (!!!!!)

Oh no..

Just take a look at how tempting the dish seems.

Try to imagine the taste of it.. the hotness of the grilled pork.. the tenderness of the meat.. the sweet and spicy taste that lingers in the mouth..

It's almost like another definition of heaven.

But now.

BUT NOW.......

I can only stare at this picture and hope that one day I will be reunited once more with it.

T_____T

What I've learned

2009-04-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

1) Sometimes, life is not always like what I want it to be.

2) No matter how much I've planned ahead, things are bound to change at the very last moment.

3) When I try to compromise and tolerate, I bring upon all hurt and damage to myself.

4) Putting too high hopes on anything will result in disappointment.

5) It hurts to be helpless.

6) It seems to me that most of the time our relationship with others will only turn out to be just like two parallel lines- they never intersect again.

7) Let fate decide whose paths to cross.

8) Human nature is evil, we do what is right only because of the fear of getting caught. If we have absolute power to conquer this world, we will not hesitate to misuse it.

9) Even when I think twice before saying or doing something, I will inevitably hurt the one that I love.

10) Sometimes I doubt if I have made the right choices thus far.

11) I miss so many of my friends in Singapore and other places, yet I am unable to express it to them.

Sigh

Till now, I have not yet submitted my university enrollment deposit which indicates my desire and commitment to join that school.

Indiana University- Bloomington.

Is this what I always wanted?

Is this what I've been working for all these while?

2009-04-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Afraid.

So afraid.

Crossing my fingers.

I don't want to contemplate anymore.

So insecure.

2009-04-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

I've been away for quite sometime

and now, I'm dedicating this post especially to Cedar Symphonic Band 2009. :)

So I've heard about the unpleasant results.

The harsh truth, the cold reality, the moment that broke your hearts,

the event that you've shed your tears for.

I know it is unexpected and cruel, but deep down inside, as long as you know you've enjoyed yourselves, & played your best- what else matters?

Set aside the negative thoughts and assumptions on what others may label the band as.

So what if people say that Cedar band is still a silver band,

so what if the school complains and starts to blame.

In fact, nobody else can understand the experience, hard work and fun that you all have gone through together as one.

Therefore, who cares about what others say about the band- OUR band? :)

Even though I'm far away and unable to watch you guys play, see all the behind-the-stage efforts that you all have put in, I have been through the exact situation before two years ago.

Similarly, I know how you feel.

But hey, whatever that happened has already taken its course and even though it hurts to know that the band is still unable to make a breakthrough,

deep inside you know you are still the best,

all the efforts put in was worth it,

& that you sounded great.

Jiayou Cedar band!

Although it is indeed a great disappointment, take this as another learning point and a valuable experience worth remembering.

I'm sure you have enjoyed yourself and gained knowledge throughout the process.

And this is something that no one can take away from you. :)

2009-03-28T10:35:00.001-07:00

Day 1 of loneliness begins today.

Those days are gone

2009-03-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Living alone

I think of all the friends I've known

But when I dial the telephone,

Nobody's home

All by myself

I wish I can stop these negative thoughts from bombarding into my mind.

Alone lonely pathetic and bitter.

But who cares, it's not like anyone would give a damn.

Not like anyone bothers.

I start to think that people are merely just passerbys in one another's lives.

Footprints left, advantages taken, then used and thrown away?

Just like a competition, there is eventually only one winner in all circumstances.

Harsh reality in life - why do I always have to learn the hard way?

If only I could rewind, fastforward,

and escape from this phase in my life.

Negativity, bitterness, I am pathetic.

Too many times I've tried and failed.

Countless opportunities passed by, yet I failed to grab those chances.

Well, I guess I gotta get used to being lonely.

Lonely even though I'm not literally alone.

Because slowly, clearly, inevitably,

everybody seems to be departing from my life.

And the worst part of this is that-

I can't do anything to fix it.

2009-03-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

Only the lonely knows how I feel tonight.

Sometimes

2009-03-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes,

I reminisce about the good old days and yearn to travel back in time.

When I have nothing to do, I'd blog hop and read through entries, look at photos which brings me back to the moment when I was still in my blue and grey uniform-

Living each day worrying about exams and homework assignments (although I did not turn them in eventually -.-).. rushing through last minute revisions and end up with a borderline grade.. then Anger and I would gossip about kia-su classmates and wish that one day it would be our turn to "kao bei" about our grades.. hum Yiddish Dances in class and look forward to nothing but band practices.. imitate certain teachers' actions and burst out laughing with tendy zhiyun and zhiyin.. hurrying down the stairs every Tuesday and Thursday for $1.30 worth of bak chor mee.. tilting and banging on vending machines for a FREE packet of ribena/maltesers/ovaltine.. hang out at Toa Payoh after school with the usual people and having Pizza Hut's Chicken Royale Baked Pasta..

Oh my goodness, how I miss those days.

& Not forgetting the thk-madness period..

chocolate pudding, samurai-T, chem-is-try, xiayun1234, flasher(!), gb, brown & orange refills..

-.-

Oh(!)

I miss Singapore.

But I miss those days in secondary school more.

Because I realize I could really be myself then.

With less or no worries about what would happen if I don't follow my heart,

without being caught by the fact that in no time I'd be working and surviving on my own,

most importantly, I miss my dear friends back then.

I can't believe the term's ending in two weeks' time.

Like, I'm heading for the last stage of education life in about half a year's time?

University. 18 years of age. Finally.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe how fast time passed after I left Cedar.

Oh, and GOOD LUCK CEDAR BAND!

Get that Gold that you all deserve. :)

If I were rich enough, I'd buy a plane ticket back to Singapore to watch them.

Like perhaps reach there at 6 AM, watch the SYF, have dinner at BOON TONG KEE (hehe), and fly back to USA again. :)

If only it's raining Dollars in my house. Sigh.

Maybe I'd stop by Singapore this July. But it'd be on 7th? =x

Everybody would be too busy to entertain my visit, :(

Sometimes,

I envy those who seem to not have any worries or thoughts bothering them at all.

How is it that some people are able to live a carefree life, satisfied with all that they have, wake up each morning with nothing in their mind, no deadlines to rush, and just purely the i-am-happy-with-who-i-am-and-what-i-have mindset?

If only I could be like that.

At times I wonder why am I doing the things that I do now.

Yearning for perfection, aiming high, working hard, pushing to my limits-

when I'm not even sure if those efforts would get paid off eventually.

Who am I trying to please. My parents? You? Me?

Maybe because I always have this mindset:

I just want to be the best that I can be.

Because,

Why would you settle for less if you actually deserve more?

Ah, I don't know.

One thing for now, I hope time would pass slower,

so that I have more time to cherish the things around me,

and not regret not doing things that I should've done.

Till then.

2009-02-25T04:03:00.000-08:00

18th Birthday :)

Hahaha, just wanna thank everybody for making this day a memorable one.

Esp when my hands were tied and my eyes blindfolded all the way from glenbrook to buckingham. HAHA. Crazy!!! I was so afraid that they would push me into the pool or something. LOL. Luckily none of that sort happened :)

And, thank you to everyone who wished me today!
Like my singapore friends who hadn't forgotten... :)
Anger, Jiani, Zhiyin, etc.... THANK YOUUUUU :)

My roomate aka the closest friend I have, Kumkummmm
My "BROTHER" (only in certain occasions) aka the english prof, Raymond
Muahhaahhaa thankyouuuuu!!!!!!!!!

& also to you. :)
you know who you are.. hehe.

I can't believe I'm 18 now. Oh no. I'm no longer a minor = I have to act like an adult. AAHHH... My goodness.. From today onwards, I'd have to pay $1.75 instead of $1.50 if I take the bus. SO EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! T_T

But on the brighter side, there are indeed advantages by being eighteen. :)
Such as = Can get driving license, can buy cigarette (not like I smoke!), etc... hehe.

It's 4 in the morning now and yet I don't feel like sleeping yet.
Yes I am quite sleepy but I just feel like sitting here alone, enjoying the moment of stillness.
As I stare at this screen, my mind wanders off... Time flies so quickly, it seemed so fast since my last birthday back at my homestay. It was Sweet Seventeen, and it is 18th birthday now. I've met so many people, and know so many.
Just that,
as time passes,
people change,
although feelings still remain the same.

Sometimes I can't help but to blame myself.
The awkwardness, the uneasiness.
Then I'd condemn myself on whatever that has gone wrong.
I know it's unattainable for me to redeem my mistakes,
erase the awful effect I'd imposed on you.
I hope everything will turn out for the best.

It's late; I'd continue next time.
Till then, nights. :)

2009-02-23T20:24:00.001-08:00

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

2009-02-21T22:25:00.000-08:00

The Fray- How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

It's a cold and rainy night,

I just came back from the grocery store and spent like $60 buying rice noodles, meat etc? OMG.

HAHA. I didn't expect myself to pay that much, I thought I was going to pay like er $50?

(yeah not much of a difference but still... HAHAHAHA.)

Anyway, I'm going to cook tomorrow!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

It has been a long time since I last cooked! This isn't exaggerating because baking cake isn't the same as cooking meals. Muahahaha. I hope nobody will suffer from severe stomachache. I didn't mean to harm anybody or risk anyone's life insurance... Hahaha.

Heyhey, I'm really glad to live my life like this.

I like the way how things are going now, the people around me, the warmth and happiness that I feel.. :)

Even though I may be physically alone, I know deep inside I'm not lonely.

Being alone doesn't mean that you're lonely

Being surrounded by many people doesn't equate to being popular also!

MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

At least I'm not as attention sick like you.

The thought of you brings about ultimate negativity to my mood. Yucckkkssss(!!)

Anyway. I hope you're doing well.

Yeah... you.

I sincerely hope that you're coping well with everything. (not like you aren't!)

but you don't know how I worried I am over you sometimes.

When you start putting on weird and emotional facebook shoutouts,

or when you start changing msn personal messages..

Maybe it seems like I don't bother at all because I never ask,

but the reason why I do the things I do, is simply because I just don't want you to get angry or feel more upset than before.

I just want you to know, that you still mean as much to me.

And you know who you are, I know you do.

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

2009-02-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

At last!

It's Friday! = the end of the week! HHAHAHAHHA.

Honestly, I feel so relieved! Phewww. Finally the hectic week is over and done with. Monday was filled with last minute rushing of homework and essay.. Tuesday night was burnt stuffing business law knowledge into my limited brain capacity, and guess what. I didn't sleep till Wednesday! HAHA. The exam was a killer, fifty-five questions that sucked all of my brain juice away. Wednesday night was used up studying for Accounting and rushing essay again..

Then finally on Thursday, I collapsed due to the extreme fatigue accumulated throughout the week. Fever, sore throat, flu, cough etc. HAHA.

But I'm better today! Hehehe. I hate being sick! :(

Hoho, another thing that brightened up my day is that all of my efforts throughout this week paid off! I'm really satisfied with my Accounting & Businesslaw results.. even though I can do better on Businesslaw but it's enough for me. I did my best. Muahahaha.

Just some random photos...

Muahahahah, valentine's day last week!

That flower is from him and the cake is made by me! I baked the cake myself okay! It's black forest chocolate cakeeee~ Yummyyyy! Hahahahha and guess what, it was supposed to be for him but I ended up finishing like 6/8 of it. HAHAHA. Oh no.

But anyhow I'm satisfied that my baking skills isn't so bad after all. Muahahaha. I want to bake somemore but I have got no more input (MONEY) therefore no output (CAKE). HAHA.

I MISS SINGAPORE! (random)

& & & & & & & & some people are just soooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting omg the sight of their faces pollute the world and destroy its beauty. The thought of them irks one's brain and watching their actions sends shivers down the spine.

Ultimate grossness. Why do people like them exist? Uh.

Just like worthless substances that are scattered all over the place, the only way is to flush them down the toilet bowl and watch them slowly dilute and disappear... Omg SO GROSS.

Actually I don't bear personal grudges but I just don't like them. Period.

Life isn't that complicated if you take a step back and start appreciating what you have around you.

I miss Yogurtland. :(

2009-02-18T03:58:00.000-08:00

BURIED UNDERNEATH HEAPS OF WORKLOADS.

Ten minutes past Four in the morning and I'm not done preparing for tomorrow's exam.

Uhh. Uhh. Uhh.

I yearn for perfection but obviously I am not even a step closer to it.

Procrastinator Vs Slacker,

Which is better? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ok I just need to divert my eyes away from the book for awhile, because at this rate my head can just drop out of place automatically onto the pillow prepared beside me. HAHAHA.

Anyway.

Of all cartoon movies, ancient comics, folk tales;

"The hare is too fast for the tortoise to catch up with"

Well everyone knows eventually the tortoise won the race.

-> So... slow and steady wins the race!

Somewhere out there,

plenty of people still cares for you.

OK. back to business law chapter 14!

2009-02-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

But when things go wrong and winter comes

You're gonna need to run to someone

Left alone you'll just freeze up again

Lately I've been more emotional.

Maybe because it's The time of the month, (heh you know what it means.) =p

I'm thankful and relieved to look back and smile for we had overcome another obstacle yet again, but this time different, because we'd affronted it with a brave front instead.

I guess it just did not cross my mind to ever put this to an end, stop and wrap everything up.

Ahh and it's really embarrassing when I finally admitted to the truth.

Flustered, abashed, speechless- the only thought that crossed my mind was to dig a hole deep underneath me in hope of containing my momentary embarrassment.

Gosh.

I know I was being silly all along, contemplating and jumping to conclusions which made no sense at all, but how was I to control my emotions and reveal them, when I find them stupid and senseless myself?

Ahh, the complicated and annoying affairs of the heart and mind.

Wait, did I even use my mind?

But who cares. WHO CAREEESSSS.

Yea yea yea yea yea the green monster took over me so many times unconsciously.

I don't like it.

I can't control it.

And so whaaat!! The fact that sometimes that happens actually shook me to my senses that,

I am not so ignorant afterall.

I can't afford to stay oblivious, pretend and feign that I don't feel anything.

Just because I care.

Yes, I care. I CARE. I can't bear to close an eye and walk away.

After seventeen (nearly eighteen) years of my life, I finally realized that the term "heart ache" literally means that there is a real pain that can be felt deep inside.

All along I'd assumed and deduced that "heart ache" simply refers to being extremely sad.

Now that I've felt the real HEARTACHE, I realized that the heart can really ache huh.

-.-

Haha.

Ok, I should be working on my essay due tomorrow. Oh no.

I need a longer weekend! :(

But you should know

When it gets too cold

You're not alone

I'll melt the snow

2009-02-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Korean Fusion:

Mushroom Soft Tofu (SPICY)

Korean BBQ Pork (SPICY)

(EXTRAS)

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Guess what I ate yesterday for,

1) Breakfast:

- 1 super big plate of fried rice

- omelette

- fried mushrooms

2) Lunch:

- another giant tub of fried rice leftovers

3) Dinner:

- duck fried rice

- fried calamari

- fried bananas + apples with EXTREMELY sweet sesame coating

- a cup of tea

OMG.

I digested all of those in less than twenty-four hours.

And the most depressing thing is that I have not excreted any of those today.

Oh no.

I guess all of the carbohydrates, protein, FATS etc will all transform into layers and layers of adipose tissue hidden underneath my skin all over my body.

T_T

And today I ate all of those listed above.

AHHHHHHHHH.

Plus,

I bought a cup of ginger honey tea with barley and litchi coconut jelly and it turned out to be like brownish liquid + hay/straw (used in horse cages). I questioned the irritating retarded guy in -charge if those were really barley and he insisted he was right. -_-"

But the most amazing thing is that I ended up finishing the whole cup. So retarded.

Okay and in just a few more minutes, I'm beguiled to another nearby restaurant.

GOSH. It's 11.30PM already by the way.

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (!)(!)(!)

2009-02-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

This:

A representation of modernized heaven

2009-02-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

Reply Tags:

Raymond: DON'T PREY ON MY BEST FRIEND!

Anger: Yeah right, I wish I can fly back there immediately ok omg I want to eat Boon Tong Kee!

Sarahj: HIIIIIIII COMMANDERRR!!! Hohohohohoh hows A's hows A's?? I don't have any exams!~ HOHOHO :)

I'm craving for chicken rice and fried tofu + mayonnaise.

Yummyyyy~ Now I understand what Panda meant by not being able to leave Singapore due to the countless delicacies there. HAHA. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I just realized that it has been a long time since I last talked to Panda- :)

Uhhh, anyway I think I gotta wait till next year to satisfy my cravings.

Transferring off to university this August/September. I only applied to three schools: Indiana University- Bloomington, University of Washington- Seattle & University of Wisconsin- Madison.

Most likely I'll end up at Bloomington, (although frankly I'd never expected myself to land up there).

Ah let's just wait and see, I surrender everything to fate.

Let nature takes its course, they say.

Actually I'd very much wanted to try out for various schools such as:

1) New York University

But my parents discouraged me because New York is kinda unsafe and TOO crowded

2) University of Michigan

I didn't apply because I realized that I need to be there for at least four years before I graduate. (omg too long! HAHA)

3) University of Southern California

Didn't apply because my parents didn't really like Los Angeles, so yeah.

4) University of Texas- Austin

Nah, natural disaster! Too dangerous!

5) University of California Berkeley

AHHHH. I had to let go of my dream school because I was too lazy to fill up the extremely long application. T_T

I know this is so redundant but I just feel like blogging all of these down, HAHA.

To remind myself that I shouldn't regret my decision in the future.

Ok, I will continue afterwards. Bio class now. AHHHHHH I WANT TO SKIPPPPP!!!!!

T_T

2009-02-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

Heeeeeeeeee

I don't know why I've decided to create a new blog when I'm still alright with my old one.

Well, I guess it's human nature to get bored over something that they've been in touch with for a period of time eh?

I know this is a bad habitttt, but I just can't help it sometimes.

Just some random pictures:

Christmas '08 at Raymond's

Ahhh, I don't want to go back to school again tomorrowwww! :(

I'm gaining weight rapidly, yet I'm not doing anything about it. Oh nooo

I need to be more hardworking. I need to be more sensitive.

I need to improve myself, and get rid of my countless flaws.(!!)

:'(

If I made you mad today,

would you still love me tomorrow?

2009-02-01T19:22:00.001-08:00

Testinggg?