So close.

As I countdown to the days left being a student,
I can't help but feel the gush of emotions and adrenaline surging within me.

I look back, 10 years ago I was still in Primary 4.
5 years ago I was in secondary 2.
3 years ago I started college at De Anza.
And 9 days later I will say goodbye to my undergraduate life.

Then life really begins.


But somehow this wasn't close to what I'd aspired to be.
Somehow I diverted away from my goals, I lost focus, I got distracted.
I placed too much importance on redundant stuff,
invested heavily in things that wouldn't last.
Where did all the years disappear to?
How did I lose my chances and allowed precious opportunities to slip right through my fingers?

I recalled myself putting high hopes, great expectations and ambitious dreams.
I wanted to graduate with Honors, I wanted to secure a job before I received my degree.
I wanted to be able to stand with my two feet and not be dependent on my parents after I leave school.
But what I had achieved was none of these. None close to these.

Jessica Tjung: Unemployed, broke, lost, lonely?

Even when I had felt a tinge of accomplishment as I completed two 13.1 mile half marathon races,
I then injured my knee and was thus unable to carry out my passion, incapable of spending time at the gym and allowed temptations to win over me, and gained back these fats.

Argh.
Ultimate negativity, superior sense of failure.
Why can't I do anything right?

Why do everything seem so hard, so far, so impossible to achieve?

As I'm typing here, I realize I can't voice out all these to anybody but here.
I know somehow some would come across this, and I'm sorry for being pessimistic.
I just feel lost. Lost. Really lost.
What should I do next? What must I do to make everything right?

On a side note, I learned not to place high hopes on anything, or anybody.
Because the feeling of disappointment is just too huge for me to bear.
Eventually, no matter how much people try to please you, they will end up disappointing you.
You'd feel hurt, scared, betrayed.
Because if they had never promised anything, it won't hurt this bad.

Sigh.


Just so insignificant.

Talking to the moon

I realized that whenever I post something on this blog, it will be an emotional one.

Just like the occurrences of Day & Night,
I've got the smiley & the emotional me.
I choose to vent, and pour all my heavy feelings into this space here,
just because I don't want to affect others around me with my negativity,
I don't want to be selfish; Nobody should be responsible for my moodiness but me.

Oh well.

It has been quite sometime that I'd bottled up all the emotions inside my heart.
I've been carrying this bag of rocks ever since April,
and I can't bear to carry it anymore.
So I fell.
I fell hard, I bruised, I bled.
The rocks flew out of the bag, and unknowingly,
others who passed the same road, tripped over them, and bruised too.

But I'm sitting here, as a bystander.
I sat and did nothing.
I watched them fall. I heard them cry. I saw their frantic responses.

Why am I becoming the person I don't ever want to be?

"You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul.
So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?"

Who am I?

Why come back for me?

I ain't worth the fight. I ain't worth the pain.
I can't bear to take on another emotional roller coaster like I did previously.
I don't even want to be queuing up for the ride,
so quit asking me to enter the park.


It took so long just to be alright.


Well at least, on a brighter note,
I focused on a set of new goals this summer.
Every summer comes with different adventures.
As everything happens for a reason,
I shall not regret anything that happened this vacation.

One more month before my last semester at IU.
As much as I can't wait to finish up with the six classes left,
I don't want this vacation to end!
I know I will miss so many things here,
little things like waking up at five in the morning, going to gym while still on autopilot, and stoning at the office.
Or rushing back and forth to Pacific Place just to grab one Dorayaki.
I will miss this chapter of my life. No doubt.

Putting aside the negative issues, I still feel that I'm blessed.
I'm so lucky to be where I am now, to be who I am.
To have lovely people surrounding me;
Family members who are always there for me,
best friends back at Singapore whom I still keep in close contact with,
a group of friends at the States whom I see as family,
colleagues who supports me and make me feel welcomed,
boss who doesn't reprimand me but encourages me to do better,
the elliptical machine which stays loyal waiting for me every morning,
and one of the best trainers in the world to be assisting me.

Damn, three months flew by without me realizing it.


As much as I don't want this adventure to end,
I would rather focus on living the moment, than brooding over the uncertainties of what tomorrow might bring.

=)


And if I made you mad today,
Would you still love me tomorrow?

Why would anybody love me?

love and hate is indeed separated by a very thin line.

Now you wanna play the blame game?

Can't swallow the truth and goes around pointing finger at me?

Don't forget that when you point one finger, four fingers are pointing back at you.

To the "memories" that we shared:

Fuck you.

Here I go again

So little posts on this blog
It has been so long since I last posted, and it feels really weird typing in this box again.

I haven't been writing anything for the past few years that I feel awkward trying to express myself all over again. I know I used to blog a lot, and blogger has always been faithfully listening to all my complaints and useless rants. So once again, greetings to my old best friend, here I am pouring out my inner thoughts and random words on this website. I don't know if anyone would ever read this, but it doesn't really matter now. All I want is just to write, type, even if nothing makes sense. Because recently nothing in my life really made any sense.


Three emotional posts below, all referring to three different people.
Three boys-- nope, correction: three men who made quite an impact in my life.
Before year 2008, my life had nothing like these before.
No boys, no worries, no tears, no heartaches.

As I'm typing away, I realise I can't even express myself properly now.

Maybe this is just who I am.
Indecisive, insensitive and selfish.

These few months I was stuck in a dilemma caused by my own indecisiveness. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I should fight for. It felt like as though I entered a battle without no goal in mind. I thought I fell in love. I thought I found "the one".
I thought he was the one.

But I was wrong.


Why did you create such a beautiful image in my head, took me away from the harsh reality of life, and then threw me down such a high cliff?
Do you know how much it hurts.
Never once I thought things would end up this way.

I can still vividly remember the very first time we met.
The first time you came over, the phone calls you made,
the moment you held my hand,
and how you brought me out to watch the stars.
The countless times you promised me that you would never hurt me,
the memories that we once shared,
and when I cried to sleep because I'd missed you so much and I was so afraid of losing you.

But what are words when you didn't mean them when you said them?

So insignificant, so worthless.
I sacrificed so much for you.
I could even die for you.
And the least that you could do,
was to tell me that you are afraid you can't live up to our love.
You are afraid that you'd give in to temptations, and you put it so clearly how you would throw away everything that we built together.

I cried that night.
I cried so much. I cried so hard. So hard that I felt nothing afterward.
Nothing could ease that pain that was killing me inside,
because I could never look at you the same way ever again.
Countless times I tried to forgive you, but I just couldn't.
That disappointment that I felt, it numbed me.

Why was I so naive before?


Now that we're walking on our separate paths,
I really wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.
It wasn't easy to let you go, but it was harder to fight for our future.
I chose to give up, because I gave up on myself long ago.
I couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong.

I didn't need a thousand reasons why I should be with you.
I needed only one,
but I had none.


I would never forget those times that we shared,
no matter how much they hurt,
I can never deny that you were once a part of me.



Here I am,
on a new chapter of my life.

Well I hope this time, everything could work out beautifully.

Come what may,
I will love you until my dying day.

Broken

Lost

Shattered

Torn.

Please make me believe that all these happen for a reason.

Because I don't see it yet.

Please enlighten me and give me strength,

show me the light so that I would stop bumping and tripping into those stones ahead of me.

So what now, am I happy?

What are the positives of following my logic and ignoring my heart,

when ultimately I realize I am all alone.

All by myself.

With nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to, nobody.

I have nobody now.

Fingers and nasty words pointed to me.

I want to run, I want to hide, but how can I, when the bullets are coming from every direction?

Everybody thinks they have bigger problems, expectations are set so high for me.

I can never satisfy enough.

Whatever I do is never enough. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anyway.

I don't try enough.

I don't run enough.

I don't study enough.

I don't care enough.

I don't love enough.

Yes, I didn't love enough.

I didn't fight hard enough.

So after all these while I'd pushed you away,

it took me long enough to realize that I am nothing, nothing without you.

All these emptiness and hollowness in me.

How can I pretend to smile when there is a tear in my eye?

How can I move on, when I'm still in love with you.

Fuck.

Is this really the end.

It hurts so bad. So bad.

Memories of us keep flashing by.

Are you happy without me.

Why am I so weak.

I miss you.

The best thing underneath the twinkling stars;

Hello 2010.

Nothing gets any different this year, except that I've learned some life lessons which were illustrated to me in a hard way.

So, yes, I would like to take a step back and look at the sphere that I'd set foot into.

It's like as though I'm looking through a layer of invisible glass, crossing my arms and standing as a stranger, having a time of my life observing no one else but, me.

Why do people claim that the person who understands yourself best is no one else but yourself.

I don't even think that I'm close to knowing what I really am.

I can't even differentiate what I want from what I need. Or vice versa.

The best part is,

I can't even fight for what I want. I don't even know how to.

Sometimes, you don't realize that you've voluntarily joined the game, until you've proceeded on and on, till it dawned upon you that there is no turning back.

It's indeed a point of no return.

So what shall we do next, when we know ultimately it's a dead end.

Do we give up all that we have, surrender to destiny and wave each other goodbye.

Or do we try to navigate around the area, in hope that there is a way out, and that it is not yet the end?

you can take my hand and embrace me now

minimizing all my fears and I know
that all my doubts will disappear

No, it doesn't work that way.

Not anymore

How come the only way to see how high you get me,

Is to see how far I fall